Life felt like a dream, until it wasn't. I had my pregnancy confirmation appointment on November 26th, 2019 and everything was right on track. We celebrated my 30th birthday November 27th followed by Thanksgiving. The following day feeling so grateful and blessed we decided it felt right to share our pregnancy news with my immediate family. Everyone was shocked and thrilled, tears were shed!
Later on that night, about 4 hours after sharing the news with family, I started experiencing mild cramping and spotting which increasingly became more severe over the next 8 hours. Those next hours were some of the worst I have physically and emotionally experienced. There was so much unknown. Being that we were out of town, on vacation there wasn’t much to do except sit and wait and wonder what was happening. Was this normal?!
We returned home the next day and on December 2nd, 2019 (the earliest available appointment) we met with our OB/ GYN who confirmed our worst fears, we lost the baby. The next few hours were a blur; there were tears, needles, shots, lots of questions and lots of emotions.
The next few months were an emotional rollercoaster. I was shocked, angry, devastated, confused and yet somehow felt guilty. Was this because something I did? Or didn’t do? What if it was because I picked up that heavy suitcase? Was it because I slept on my stomach? Or perhaps the mimosa I had prior to knowing? Was something wrong with my female parts? Did I jinx it by telling my family “too early?”
I struggled with these thoughts and emotions for a very time until I joined multiple Facebook support groups and connected with other women where I learned this way NOT MY FAULT. There was nothing I did to cause this and unfortunately there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I also came to realize I was not alone, as lonely as I felt at times. Don’t get me wrong my husband was the most supportive spouse I could have asked for and I know he was grieving just as much as I was but to have an outlet that felt like a private safe place was so comforting to help deal with the guilt and the emotions and moving forward. I am forever grateful for my wonderful husband, family, friends and the incredible community of women I found through those Facebook groups.
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